|Cool art from House of Hepworth|
I have been living in a yucky gray area since September. Some people call it a season of change. Whatever it is I don’t like it. I have mentioned in a couple posts that my youngest going off to kindergarten this year has ROCKED my world. I became a stay at home mom when my oldest was born 9 years ago. It’s what I have become and what I know. Now that my little man is gone, I feel like I have lost my identity, my job, and I have felt a lot of times……worthless. Yes the kids still come home at 3:30 and believe me I have plenty to do from bus to bed. I also seem to fill every second of everyday as well. But I have been walking around lost not knowing which way to go or which path to choose.
I thought I had it all figured out. I thought once little Wes was off to Kindergarten this would be my time to create, sell, and do all things that I had dreamed of. But something happened, something took over that first day of school. Fear. Fear grabbed ahold of my heart and hasn’t let go. I am fearful that I won’t be good enough. I am fearful my kids don’t need me anymore. I am fearful I am getting old and running out of time. I am fearful people will look at my art and laugh. What happened to me. I thought I used to be this strong, tough chic who wasn’t scared of anything.
People close to me know that I have been going though a rough patch. But as far as everyone else, I put on a happy face and pretend that everything is peachy. I wish we could all be more real with each other. It would sure make you feel more normal or like you weren’t as crazy when you did hit your season. It’s funny how your think someone has it sooooo together but when you really get to know them or take time to talk, you see they have their gray area too.
Well I am sick of living this way. I am sick of letting fear rule my life. I was sitting in Church yesterday and it occurred to me or more like God spoke to me…. the reason I have been so sad is because I am scared. I am scared to try something other than being a stay at home mom because I could fail. I don’t like to fail. I don’t like to lose. I can’t play neighborhood bunco or putt putt with my family because I get really upset if I’m not in first place. But I am sick of sitting on the sidelines of life because I am too paralyzed to move forward.
I have been asked a couple of times over the past few months to be a part of the stage design team at my church. The reason I have given them when I have said no is because I’m too busy or don’t have time. But the real reason is because I didn’t think I would have anything to offer, or my ideas wouldn’t be any good. I also really like the girl who runs the team. She is this cool artsy chic who I could learn alot from and would love being around. In my fearful mind I thought what if she got to know me and didn’t really like me. YUCKKKK who thinks like that!?!?!? But what if I did get to know Tracy better and she did like me and we became really good friends and we learned alot from each other? What if I did join the design team and I did have something to offer!?
I have wanted to open a little shop on this blog for a while. I have always wanted to have my own store where I can sell whatever I want. I want to have a little shop where I could sell things I create, things I find or things that I redo. But again as soon as I start daydreaming about this little online store, all the fear about failing creeps back in and soon it doesn’t sound like a good idea anymore.
Today is Martin Luther King Day. What a brave amazing man. He did not let fear run his life. Today January 16th, 2012 I am letting go of fear. I am taking God’s hand and letting him lead me down the path he wants for me. I went to the stage design meeting at church yesterday. I am going to open my little online shop. I may not have anything to offer the group and I may not sell a thing in my shop. But at least I am getting up off my butt and trying. I am starting to feel that strong, tough chic coming back and I welcome her with open arms.
What would you do if you couldn’t fail??