Gray Area

Cool art from House of Hepworth

I have been living in a yucky gray area since September.  Some people call it a season of change.  Whatever it is I don’t like it.  I have mentioned in a couple posts that my youngest going off to kindergarten this year has ROCKED my world. I became a stay at home mom when my oldest was born 9 years ago.  It’s what I have become and what I know.  Now that my little man is gone, I feel like I have lost my identity, my job, and I have felt a lot of times……worthless.  Yes the kids still come home at 3:30 and believe me I have plenty to do from bus to bed.  I also seem to fill every second of everyday as well.  But I have been walking around lost not knowing which way to go or which path to choose.

I thought I had it all figured out.  I thought once little Wes was off to Kindergarten this would be my time to create, sell, and do all things that I had dreamed of.  But something happened, something took over that first day of school.  Fear.  Fear grabbed ahold of my heart and hasn’t let go.  I am fearful that I won’t be good enough.  I am fearful my kids don’t need me anymore.  I am fearful I am getting old and running out of time.  I am fearful people will look at my art and laugh.  What happened to me.  I thought I used to be this strong, tough chic who wasn’t scared of anything. 

People close to me know that I have been going though a rough patch.  But as far as everyone else, I put on a happy face and pretend that everything is peachy.  I wish we could all be more real with each other.  It would sure make you feel more normal or like you weren’t as crazy when you did hit your season.  It’s funny how your think someone has it sooooo together but when you really get to know them or take time to talk, you see they have their gray area too.

Well I am sick of living this way.  I am sick of letting fear rule my life.  I was sitting in Church yesterday and it occurred to me or more like God spoke to me….  the reason I have been so sad is because I am scared.  I am scared to try something other than being a stay at home mom because I could fail.  I don’t like to fail.  I don’t like to lose.  I can’t play neighborhood bunco or putt putt with my family because I get really upset if I’m not in first place.  But I am sick of sitting on the sidelines of life because I am too paralyzed to move forward.

I have been asked a couple of times over the past few months to be a part of the stage design team at my church.  The reason I have given them when I have said no is because I’m too busy or don’t have time.  But the real reason is because I didn’t think I would have anything to offer, or my ideas wouldn’t be any good.  I also really like the girl who runs the team.  She is this cool artsy chic who I could learn alot from and would love being around.  In my fearful mind I thought what if she got to know me and didn’t really like me.  YUCKKKK who thinks like that!?!?!?  But what if I did get to know Tracy better and she did like me and we became really good friends and we learned alot from each other?  What if I did join the design team and I did have something to offer!?

I have wanted to open a little shop on this blog for a while.  I have always wanted to have my own store where I can sell whatever I want.  I want to have a little shop where I could sell things I create, things I find or things that I redo.  But again as soon as I start daydreaming about this little online store, all the fear about failing creeps back in and soon it doesn’t sound like a good idea anymore.

Today is Martin Luther King Day.  What a brave amazing man.  He did not let fear run his life.  Today January 16th, 2012 I am letting go of fear.  I am taking God’s hand and letting him lead me down the path he wants for me.  I went to the stage design meeting at church yesterday.  I am going to open my little online shop.  I may not have anything to offer the group and I may not sell a thing in my shop.  But at least I am getting up off my butt and trying.  I am starting to feel that strong, tough chic coming back and I welcome her with open arms.

What would you do if you couldn’t fail??

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28 Responses to Gray Area

  1. Andrea January 16, 2012 at 12:57 pm #

    You are an amazing artist and a huge artistic inspiration for me and LOTS of other people out here!! Now you have inspired my heart also. Thanks for being TRUE! As you progress forward – do what you LOVE and LOVE what you do and you will succeed!!!

  2. Caroline January 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm #

    I cannot wait to see all the amazing creations that come out of this revelation! Thank you for sharing your heart with us! You are an inspiration!

  3. dawn paton/humbleotter January 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm #

    Oh friend, we should talk. BTDT!! Don't let the enemy steal your passion or your confidence in the gifts our God has so obviously lavished on you. he is the father of LIES. changes in roles and schedules etc. will always be a time of attack, just be ready for it. Spaces have to be filled, just filled with the best things. To me it seems you have gracefully accepted the change in role with your son and filled the time and emotional space with this thoughtful and inspiring blog which is an inspiration and encouragement to an ever-increasing number of women who need it. You can even think of it as nurturing a whole new set of creative souls. We won't ever head off to kindergarten either : ) Love you, girl.

  4. Devon Freund January 16, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

    Thank you for sharing and I am even more thankful that you have decided to make a change for the better. You can do this! Step away from the grey and bring in color!xo

  5. Jennifer Officer January 16, 2012 at 5:24 pm #

    Angela, what an amazingly transparent post. It reminds me of something I heard at my daughter's dance retreat this past weekend: don't mess up means don't not try. I probably botched that quote, but in my heart it means the only time I fail is when I don't try – mostly out of fear of failure. Perfection for me is easy to attain when I don't do anything outside my box. You challenge me to go for it!

  6. tracy January 16, 2012 at 5:25 pm #

    do you know that i feel the same way? most days? i'm afraid too. of many of the same things you are.
    but in community, in the being honest i find comfort…that people know me and sometimes i rock it and sometimes it sucks. but i KNOW in all these times that i'm loved.
    'there is no room in love for fear…love banishes fear.' ijohn4:18

  7. Fonda January 16, 2012 at 6:36 pm #

    So glad to hear the 'spark' back in your online voice. Looking forward to seeing more of your amazing creations!

  8. Tricia January 16, 2012 at 7:24 pm #

    I can totally relate to this post. My one and only kiddo went to kindergarten this year, I turned 40 last month, and I am terrified of everything! How did I get here? Where the heck do I want to go now? WHAT IF I FAIL??? Thank you for sharing your feelings and your dreams. I wish you the best of luck with your shop and, just so you know, I found your blog last week and I have been blown away by your creativity!

  9. Meg January 16, 2012 at 8:50 pm #

    I think everyone can relate to this. That's why we love your blog. You are an inspiration. :) And you're a real person with a great voice. Looking forward to seeing how your online shop comes along!

  10. Button Bird Designs January 16, 2012 at 9:53 pm #

    Thank you Andrea! I was fearful of posting this post this morning too! Hahahaha!!! But as soon as I read your comment I was happy that I did. Thank you!

  11. Button Bird Designs January 16, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

    Thank you for being someone that I can share my heart with! Love you!!!

  12. Button Bird Designs January 16, 2012 at 9:56 pm #

    You promise you won't leave me and head off for kindergarten!?!?! Thank you for this, you made me cry!!!!!! Love you too!!!

  13. Button Bird Designs January 16, 2012 at 9:57 pm #

    Bringing in the color!!!!!!! I need to hang out with you more to make sure that happens!!

  14. Button Bird Designs January 16, 2012 at 9:58 pm #

    Thank you Jennifer!!!!

  15. Button Bird Designs January 16, 2012 at 10:00 pm #

    Thank you Tracy! I love that verse. I need to tatto it on my forehead! But I'm pretty sure you rock it most of the time!!!

  16. Button Bird Designs January 16, 2012 at 10:02 pm #

    Ohhhh gosh don't tell me you could tell from my blog voice that something was wrong!?!?!? I'm not fooling anyone!!!!! That's a good thing, I'm sick of trying!!
    Lots of love and yes you will be hearing lots more sparks!!

  17. Button Bird Designs January 16, 2012 at 10:05 pm #

    Wow!! I turn 40 in two more years!! I bet you were in a huge “season” sending off your one and only and then turning the big 40!!!!!! Hang in there!!!! Come hang out with me and we can figure things out together!!!!!

  18. Button Bird Designs January 16, 2012 at 10:07 pm #

    Hi Meg!!!!!
    So glad to hear from you and thank you so much for your kind words!!!!!! Hopefully the online store will be up in a couple of weeks! I'm excited!!!

  19. Jen January 17, 2012 at 12:48 am #

    Just want to echo everyone here…you are an AMAZingly gifted, talented artist, and now we have seen your heart, too…which is your greatest gift.

    Never doubt that you have an place in this world that no one else can fill. You inspire people daily with your fearless undertakings (the painted leather chair) and your “oh well, it didn't turn out exactly like I wanted it to” attitude totally reflects your realness of heart, and majorly encourages me towards risk-taking. This blog spills over with beautiful, heart-felt joy, and it is contagious!!! I have just loved it!!

    So, go for it, girl. You'll shine. And we'll all be cheering you on!! xoxo

  20. katie January 17, 2012 at 12:48 am #

    It's strangely calming to find that the people I think have it completely figured out are just as anxious about failing as I am! This post had infiltrated my mind and speaks volumes. Thank you so much for posting this today. We all need a dose of boldness and a gentle reminder to give up our fears to our loving Redeemer.

  21. La joie d'apprendre! January 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm #

    I have felt the same way when our youngest son went to kindergarten, I was all alone at home and it was sooo quiet…
    Because of different reasons, we started homeschooling and I can't just explain in words the blessings it has done to our family. I didn't start homeschooling because I was lonely at home, It was not at all for that, but now that we are doing it, our days are so full I don't even think about the word quietness :-) I am sooo happy, I just love it! It's our fourth year now. You can visit our french family blog to see a bit of our life :-)

    Have a great day and God bless!

  22. Tiffany Layne January 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm #

    Awesome and inspiring!!! Love! Go get 'em!!!

  23. reeve January 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm #

    The same thoughts go through my mind (and most of the time worse) So I totally understand. I'm glad you are being brave and getting out there more…I just wish I could do it with you :(

    I'm so excited for you!

  24. debbie refresh restyle January 18, 2012 at 2:15 pm #

    You inspire me too! I wish you well and I know you will do great! Welcome back strong, tough chic!

  25. joanne January 18, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

    Anglea, YOu have been such a inspiration to me, I can hardly wait to see what you have done next. I had no children but when I married my husband I was blessed with two sons. We had our first grandchild 2 and hal yrs ago. We spent so much time with him ANd then he moved to be with his Daddy in NC. Jaden was my only baby child I really had in my life and I was devastated. I go through the motions, still make cards but my heart , When I wrote to you or the Owl pattern my sorority sister wanted to make it, you were so kind to share and I can believe I drove right past where you lived after our visit to our grandson. well you have been inspiration to me, I love what you make and do. You are so very kind and loving, you can just feel it. I made all my Christmas presents for my co-workers, I would of never done that. I probably have made 15 hand knitted necklaces and I love sharing them. I have so enjoyed making gifts, I even have crochet silver. Of course I may be alittle obsessed.. I made great button ornaments and got my husband to make ornament holders, so good projects for both of us. I have had so much fun, you have been a great inspiration, Go wilid I am sure you will be a success Love Joanne

  26. Heather January 18, 2012 at 8:47 pm #

    Hi, my name is Heather! Please email me when you can, I have a question about your blog!


  27. Kathy January 19, 2012 at 1:26 am #

    Thanks for being real! You have inspired me to do things even though I am afraid.

  28. Thomas S.Rhodes February 11, 2012 at 5:07 am #

    I'm really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Anyway keep up the excellent quality writing, it’s rare to see a nice blog like this one today..
    Geometry Resource Kit

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