I started reading the book Ungluded by Lysa Terkeurst last night. This was the forward that caught my eye and what prompted me to share this post. Let me make you feel better as a mom, a person, as a human being by sharing my yuckiness. My gift to you! Enjoy!
Remember the other day when I said that anger is an emotion that I usually don’t have to deal with? Yeah I ate those words big time Tuesday morning. My daughter, 10 and son, 6 couldn’t be anymore different if it was possible. My son is shy, a pleaser, quiet, sweet as pie and loves his momma. Lilly my free spirit, creative, strongwilled, mind of her own, going to be president one day is the sweetest little girl in the world, however she is definitely a difficult child at times (alot of times). Like her daddy in every way, she has a hard time sitting still, focusing, concentrating, doing what she is asked. My husband was the same way growing up. We went to high school together and I remember thinking as he was getting in trouble once again, what in the world are HIS kids going to be like. Funny how life turns out.
Lilly has always had a very difficult time with school. I started her too early and since day one she has thought school was social time not learning time. We did the unthinkable and held her back this year. It has been a decision that we have struggled with since Kindergarten and finally bit the bullet and did it this year. She would have to repeat the 4th grade.
Last week, her first week back at school was a rough one. She said kids were making fun of her, pointing fingers at her, and laughing when they saw her in the hall. Yes this broke my heart, broke my heart in two. The thoughts that swam around and around in my head were that I had scarred her for life, she would grow to hate be for doing this to her, I had crushed her spirit, she would never believe just how wonderful she really is. We made it though last week, her teacher was growing on her and she had made some friends. Unfortunately a three day weekend was lurking and was going to mess this all up. Dang it Labor day.
Tuesday morning started with tears and nervous bellies, hers and mine. It wasn’t until we got to the bus stop that all hell broke loss. The bus came and she refused to get on it. ANGER. She started backing away as the bus pulled up and said though tears “I can’t do it”. I was pushing her to get on, pulling her toward the bus, but she didn’t wouldn’t budge. ANGER, all I could feel was anger. My face was hot and I just couldn’t believe she didn’t get on. Everyone was looking at us. Kindergartens were getting on but I had a ten year old who flat out refused.
She apologized all the way home and said she would go if I took her. My husband volunteered to take her as soon as we walked in the door. He has this amazing way with her, probably because they are the same person. They left and I went on a walk with my dear friend Beth. The walk with Beth isn’t something we normally do but boy did God put her in my life that morning. We talked and talked, and she told me how she was changing her life by simplifying, saying no and concentrating on her family. I was starting to feel calm as we walked, until I got the phone call from my husband.
He pulled up to the school and the teacher on duty came over to open the door. Lilly shut it. The teacher opened the door again only for Lilly to shut it again in her face. ANGERRRRRRRR My hubby pulled up and parked the car, came around to get her out. Not only did she get out of the car, she ran. Ran like a deer is what my husband said. Away from the school toward the busy road with all the carpool traffic. My husband was left standing there with the teachers, parents, and the principal staring at him. Scared and angry (yes there is that word again) he weaved in and out of cars to get to her. Somehow he got her back in the car and brought her home. He then called me and my calm walk turned into me coming ungluded (yes that is why I started the book).
I met them back at the house convinced that she was going to school. I didn’t care if I had to carry her kicking and screaming into the classroom, she was going. I couldn’t just let her sit around and get behind again, and I had stuff to do. Yeah I’m not selfish at all (are you feeling good about yourself yet?). I said in my best stern voice, which if you know me is veryyyyy scary (ha), “Lilly get in that car”. Here I will admit I may have let a cuss word slip, maybe two. Again I am trying to make you feel better about yourself. Your welcome. She said no, I said yes, she started out the back door running and hopped the fence. Yes you read that correct, she freaking hopped the fence and ran away. My daughter ran away for the first time.
I sat there for a moment completely stunned. I could not believe what was happening. I could not believe that I could not control this situation. What was I suppose to do. How was I going to get her to school, more importantly how was I going to get her home? Where had I failed as a mother that my 10 year old was acting like this??? Who should I call? I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I almost goggled what to do when your daughter hops a fence and runs away. I was losing it.
She came home a short time later. Weston and I gave up. We failed and she won. We put her in her room and I went for a drive. That just seems to be my way of dealing with anger situations lately. I must leave, I must drive, I must get away and cool down. I had never been that angry at my child before. I wanted to grab her and shake some sense into her. Didn’t she know how blessed she is that she even gets to go to school? Man I was hotttt. I was only gone for about 15 minutes trying to figure out what to do. As I thought and thought, Cammie kept coming to mind. Cammie is a dear friend and the Children’s Director at our church and has a very special relationship with Lilly. Lilly loves Cammie and trusts her. I wanted to call Cammie but I didn’t. I didn’t want to bother her with our crazy problems. She was probably busy, probably had a ton of work to do, plus I didn’t want her to know what an awful momma I was. At that exact moment I passed Cammie. In the car, drove right by her. So yes this was my sign from God to call. I called immediately and Cammie came right over. Just dropped everything she was doing to come help my hurting daughter. The look on Lilly’s face when she saw Cammie calmed my heart.
After Cammie left, Lilly was a different child. She was calm and apologetic. She said that she would try again tomorrow. She told me over and over how much she loved me. Lilly showed me the Bible verses that she and Cammie had written out. She walked around with them most of the day. I didn’t make her go to school after her meeting with Cammie. We were all emotionally and physically exhausted. We just needed to rest and start over today.
This morning she got on the bus. She had tears in her eyes and was clutching those Bible verses like they would fly away. When the bus pulled up she said, “I can do it” and was the first one on. I saw her staring out the window as the bus pulled away with a tears falling down her checks. My heart broke for her, but I was so proud of her. Prouder than I have ever been.
Yesterday was a yucky, hard, difficult awful, day but God showed up over and over. Beth’s friendship and wise words, Cammie dropping everything and coming over to help my family, how my husband and I leaned on each other though our hurt and anger, my renewed trust in God, My extreme love and hope for my daughter.
I guess some bad days are really good days in disguise.